I can’t, because I am not in control of her brain or the choices it appears to make upon her dialogue with me.
I can, however, alter how I react to her. I can change the habit of a lifetime and no longer behave and respond as the victim she perceives me to be, and expects me to continue to be.
This phenomena; this idea, has wrapped itself around me like a cloak over the past few months and I can already sense shifts in patterns of behaviour when she is around. One simple step I made was no longer apologising for things I hadn’t done wrong – my counsellor explained that I should only use this word when I truly wish to express regret for something I may have said or done and subsequently regret. So when, a few months ago in mid-December, mother paid our house a visit and returned some empty tupperware boxes at our door before leaving with no other note or text, I sent her a text.
At first, from habit, I started to type:
Hi mum – I’m sorry we were out when you called. We were buying our christmas tree! xxx
I paused before pressing send and re-read it. Nothing jumped out as wrong with it, but then I recalled my counsellor’s words. So I deleted most of the text and re-typed:
Hi mum. Thank you for returning the tupperware; I hope you enjoyed the cake. We were out choosing our Christmas tree. Perhaps we can catch up later this week? x
The subtle differences are that I took out the word sorry as I had nothing to apologise for. Mother had not forewarned me of her intention to call, so it had been a gamble on her part as to whether we would be in or not. I show gratitude for her action at leaving the box, and empathy when I ask about the cake. I choose to explain our absence with a statement which is followed with a simple full stop. The first version I feel the exclamation mark leaves an element of defensiveness from me – do you see it? I finish with a suggestion we get together and close with one kiss. Not a flurry of desperate kisses.
Subtle differences .. which left me feeling more in control of my emotions. Result!
<a href="http://Thwart” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>Daily Prompt
That’s brilliant! Such a subtle change yet such a positive result. I found with my children that if I stopped and reworded what I was going to say (instead of the Mum comment they had come to expect) it changed a situation quite dramatically.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s fantastic.
I wish these tips were taught in school!!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You can’t control other people reaction just the way you react.
When it comes to mothers then you can’t win anyway…….😳🙄
LikeLiked by 1 person
I knew you would understand 💕🙃
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊❤️
LikeLike
An excellent reminder that the only person we have any control over is ourselves and a fantastic breakdown in the differences in the 2 texts!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you can ‘see’ the benefits of the small changes…
so pleased I now stop and think about words more 🌸
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can see how it makes a difference…
LikeLiked by 1 person
A great post! Good for you!!!! I’m also guilty of using the phrase, “I’m sorry” when I shouldn’t. A sense of self-worth is invaluable! Thanks to you and your counselor for the validation. Hope you’re having a good day! 😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
We can learn from each other … walking dogs with friends right now and the fresh air is lovely 🌸🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m off to Disney World, today….celebrating a friend’s birthday. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow!!
You will have a ball there .. happy birthday to your friend and enjoy your day out xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
How much do I empathise with this!?
Good advice.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s an incredible achievement!! It’s especially hard to change when it’s your mum as that pattern has been ingrained since birth. I had the same issues but it took until she started treating my children the same way for me to try to change the situation. I know just how “eggshells” it is so major kudos! 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
How lovely of you to share that with me … totally agree that even in my 40s I can suddenly become a seven year old when I know she’s due round 🙈
Learning that I needed to take responsibility for my reactions as much as I was blaming her for making me feel low was an eye-opening process. 👏🏼💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it really is an eye opener – and it’s terrifying. Good luck with not “lapsing” because that’s really hard! We instinctively become people pleasers so it’s absolutely a war on two fronts
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re spot on 👌🏼
LikeLiked by 1 person
We all could learn so
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a small but subtle difference.
And words say it all
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you … I knew my counsellor would be proud of the small change. It took a little more thought, but being mindful of our words is another lesson in itself .. and one I have enjoyed giving more time to 🌸
LikeLike
Good job, Viola! Way to claim your power!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks lovely ☺️ it’s hard to break the habits of a lifetime but baby steps
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely right. I learned that one long ago – it is only ourselves and our reactions that we can control
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true Derrick .. and liberating once we see the results of our changes 🌸👌🏼
LikeLiked by 1 person